Life's Controls

I get many emails everyday from people who need to scream, it's a kind of 'letting off steam' email account. I set this up because of the huge amount of people that I meet who feel completely lost or unable to control the direction their life seems to take them. If you feel this way then I urge you to read on. I was like this once and I can assure you it really isn't that hard to change.

Life's Controls

Do you sit at home or at work in a daze? Do you wonder where the time goes? Do you cry for a little control to come back to your quickly moving out of control life? Most of us can say yes to this. I have often sat at my desk or in front of the TV wondering why my life had gotten so out of my control. What had I done wrong?

Well the answer to that, as I quickly found out, was nothing! I had done nothing wrong, all I had done was take my life exactly where I felt I wanted to be, all I had done was blame the pitfalls of my life on other things, people and situations. But how had I got there? That was easy too. I had put myself there! You can't go to the shops without you choosing to go to the shops. You can't go to the park unless you choose to go to the park and you can't be upset or pissed off unless you choose to be upset or pissed off.

Now I know a lot of you will argue that, say, a close family member is taken very ill or dies suddenly, how can we choose not to be upset? For me there are different levels of emotions, a few strong ones and hundreds of very subtle ones.

Let's look at some examples

When I was younger I was a spend thrift. If I had money it burnt a hole in my pocket. When I turned 18, I was introduced to loans and credit cards. Woohoooo! I had never been so rich! I could do and go wherever I wanted, I could spend, what seemed like, a never ending 'magical pocket' of cash. And did I spend! Time went by, and as i grew older i found myself increasingly more in debt. I couldn't keep up with repayments, I became depressed and felt all I was doing was going to work to just hand my hard earned money over to somebody else. Those bastards! Life was so unfair. Each month I earned just enough to pay bills. How could my life had gotten like this? For years I was angry with the banks for letting me have the loan, I blamed the credit card companies for letting me have credit cards, in fact, I blamed just about everyone other than me for being so skint! Couldn't they see that I couldn't afford it? couldn't they see that I would get into so much debt and trouble that I would be paying hugely inflated amounts of interest back because of my inability to keep up.....Oh wait a minute!

I woke up one morning a few years ago with a sick realization. I had taken myself to the bank, I had 'flowered' up my earnings to get loans and credit cards, I went out and spent money like the world was ending tomorrow, no-one else, me! I couldn't blame anyone else but me. It wasn't their fault I lied on applications and it certainly wasn't their fault I went out on a spree. It was mine. Since that day, I have worked hard to repay the debt I got myself into and I am getting there, but it was such a huge action on my part, the repercussions will be around for a long time. And I have accepted that. What else can I do? I can't continue blaming anyone else because there is no-one else to blame. Acceptance is your first step to moving forward, to evolving and it is a huge step. In fact I'd say it was nearly 75% of the way there. Now, this example is an easy one to see how we choose to put ourselves in to places or how we choose to feel about things, let's look at a much deeper example;

How do we feel if someone we love becomes ill, or worse, dies? Do we become upset? Do we cry because they have gone? Do we cry because we will miss them?

 If someone close to me becomes ill or worse then I choose not to be upset. I choose to continue to have compassion for them, I choose to continue loving them, I choose to be whatever they need me to be! Being upset doesn't help them, being upset won't bring them back to life, all being upset does is drain away our happiness. 
 If someone we love dies, we should celebrate their life and remember the times we had with them. It is perfectly fine to cry, but choose to cry in happy memories or because they are now free.  
 Hardest of all, is choosing these things when  somebody close dies suddenly through accident or crime. However, dwelling on the circumstances does not help the future. Action helps the future, compassion helps the future, your never ending levels of love helps the future and ultimately helps you to come to terms with the passing of a loved one. 

I know that this will cause debate about feelings and that is fine, it shows our humanity. Only you can change what happens to you in your life. We are all in control, we never lost it, we just seem to have forgotten. 

Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, take a good deep breath in and say to yourself, "Today I am responsible for me". When things look like they are heading the wrong way ask yourself how you got there, look back to the choices you made, step by step, that bring you to that very place you are standing in right at that moment. You will begin to see that you did actually make those choices. Whether you like them or not, the choices were made for you, by you.
So what do we do now?

Ok, so you have now accepted that you are responsible for all that life brings you. From now on, every choice you make will be made with an awareness, with an insight. Every choice you make, everything that happens to you now will feel different. They will feel different because you are aware and have accepted that you brought yourself there. 

There is a synchronicity to life that cannot be ignored. Have you ever started to think of someone and 2 minutes later they have phoned you or you have bumped into them in the street. Do you ever feel like you have had deja vu where events play out in front of you yet you already know the outcome? These are synchronicities that you shouldn't ignore and the more you start to take notice of them, the more frequently they happen. These events are telling you, and only you, something that is important to your life. We cannot always see the benefits of something straight away however what we must always be sure of is that what we experience should be looked upon as a lesson. Everyday you should look over the events and ask yourself 'what have I learned about me today?' 

Coping With Death

When I speak to people about terminal illnesses or death it is apparent to me that a loved one’s decline in health or the death of a loved one continues to be a subject that many find hard to discuss. Generally, throughout the UK, the older generation see death and the ceremonies surrounding death as a time of great sadness and loss, however this is beginning to change. Whilst the loss of a loved one is an emotional time and overwhelming sadness is our initial reaction, reflection of the life that person led should be at the forefront of our mourning. More and more of us are celebrating and affirming our memories of the person who has passed helping us to deal with our own mortality, sense of loss and overwhelming emptiness.

My belief system is centred on that of Tibetan Buddhism albeit slightly different from choices, lessons and conclusions I have reached through my own life experiences. I believe that we reach a natural point in our existence that requires us to move on or progress. Life itself is about learning and experiencing and whilst we are here we learn and experience exactly what we came here to, moving on once that is completed.

“How do we know what we are until we know what we are not”

I have spent many years of reflection on this subject and felt I needed to write down my thoughts and feelings to share what I believe is our natural progression from mortality to immortality.

“Once we pass, our soul rejoins the oneness, a universal energy”. I often try to explain this as:

Think of the ocean as the universal soul. Take a glass of ocean water; this is the soul of an individual. It is separate from the ocean but is still ocean water. Boil it, it experiences boiling, freeze it and it experiences freezing however it is still ocean water, the only difference is it has experienced different things. Now pour it back into the ocean and it rejoins the universal energy, the one soul, only now with experience.

“We are spiritual beings having a human experience”

Having this belief has helped me fill my life with love and compassion for all things. I look upon each one of us having our own experiences and the more we learn from these experiences, the more we develop spiritually throughout our human experience.

If we keep having the same experience, then clearly we are not attuned to the lesson we should be learning, and until we learn that lesson, we will keep having that experience. To help me learn from my daily experiences, I reflect on each day to take on board what has happened. Sometimes the lessons from our experiences don’t come apparent to us for sometime however being aware of every moment, of every action, learning becomes natural.

Whether your belief is that we are re-born to continue the yearning for experience or not, your growth as a person through wisdom, compassion, empathy and love can only continue through personal reflection.

Death of a loved one is of course a very difficult time for all those close, each one of us deals with our own sense of attachment and fear of losing the one we hold so dear, yet we must focus our attentions on the one who is dying. Dying should be made as calm as possible with our love and compassion focussed on helping the one who is dying do so with as little upset and heartache as we possibly can to allow the time of passing be as peaceful as possible.

For those of us dealing with the imminent loss it is difficult for anyone of us to let go. The Dalai Lama explains his approach to letting go of a loved one as such;

“Imagine you are on a boat and all of your closest family and friends are on the dock. The boat is pulling away and there is nothing you can do about it other than go with it. Now look back to the dock, how do you want to see your family and friends saying goodbye?”

It is never easy when faced with terminal illness or death of those we hold so close yet we find strength in our memories, in our stories and in our hearts that lives with us forever.

I will leave you with this, one of my favourite quotes that I always find myself referring back to on the passing of a loved one.

“When our hearts weep for what we have lost, our soul smiles for what we remember”

Much Love xx

What is Wisdom?

Often we hear people say "He/she is so wise" or "What wise words he speaks" yet what does this actually mean? How did they become so wise?

Wisdom has many meanings and applications and the person who is deemed wise is the person who is able to discern what is applicable to that situation for the greater good. Wisdom isn't a fixed skill or ability and you don't have to be old to be wise. Wisdom is malleable, it is changing and it is transparent. By it's very nature, Wisdom cannot be fixed as it is applicable to events, to persons and beings that are constantly changing, so what was wise yesterday may not be wise today

We gain wisdom from learning, from awareness, from being in the moment. Wisdom is the culmination of the lessons we have learnt right up to now that helps us make the decisions in our lives that works for us. We also cannot assume that the wise words we hear will work for all beings. Understanding that we are all individuals and have completely different experiences of all things is truly wise. The wisdom we seek in all of our experiences is already with us. We just need to remember it, be open to it and accept it!

There are many different websites, blogs and books about wisdom and how we can get it, yet all we need know is that every situation, every moment and experience in our life brings with it the wisdom we need to deal with and accept them. The answers are always there, all we need do is open our eyes and act with compassion, love and truth in our hearts. Instead of reacting to situations, take the time to digest what is happening or happened. To often we jump in feet first and regret later what our actions have brought us. (That is if we have learnt to accept that what we experience in life is of our own creation)

Using knowledge we gather through our life's experiences with discernment, truth and ultimately love applied to situations so that it benefits all involved either directly or indirectly for the greater good. This is wisdom!

Much Love

Exploring and Applying Compassion

In my first book I started this chapter by going back to the beginning to start trying to understand what is needed in trying to solve our global problems; moving from ‘being England’, being  ‘America’, being ‘Africa’, etc. to being humans, to being compassionate beings. I spoke about hate and the effect that it has on us as individuals and how destructive it is to our spiritual well being as well as our own health. To briefly remind us of what I said I have included a passage from ‘Where Do We Begin’ 

‘To hate something or someone generally shows a lack of understanding or confusion. Why would someone kill another human being? ‘I hate that!’ Do you hate your country’s army going to war and defending your freedom? Why do some people think it is acceptable to kill another human in war? To kill one person means you have murdered, to kill millions means you have conquered. Why have wars? To me there is nothing good to say about war. It is a completely negative action on both sides. When I was at school I was always taught that if someone hit me, hitting back was not the answer. ‘Surely you can defend yourself?’ Of course you can. No-one will stand to take someone hitting them without a natural reaction to defend themselves. This doesn’t mean we must retaliate aggressively; non-violent action has to be the best course. Judo, for example, uses a redirection of force to defend. Why could this not be put into practice on a larger scale?’

So as individuals we find hating something or someone easy. Why? I think it is because people believe it is easier to give in to negative, destructive emotions than spending time working out why they feel that way or why others have been, or are aggressive / negative towards them and they just accept that that is the way it is. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. It actually takes time, effort and energy to hate or dislike someone. Let us list out the things needed to hate or actively dislike someone;

• ·        If someone has taken a negative action against you then there must be some form of retribution available
• ·        You spend time continuing to think about this person and the reasons behind why they have done what they have done, then you start to think of how to fight back which takes huge amounts of energy
• ·        You are constantly aware of the areas this person or people are found so either avoid them or taking it further purposely seek confrontation which causes a buildup of negative energy within you draining any positive, happy energy you might have had
• ·        You may spend time trying to ‘get one up’ on the person you have the negativity with which will result in you feeling like you have been wronged or hurt, especially if your plan doesn’t go as you wanted it to (Which it more than likely won’t)
• ·        This then increases the negative energy within you which causes you to start feeling unwell, drained or out of sorts which causes you to start to become distant and unapproachable
• ·        This then adds to the negative feelings as you start to feel lonely, as if you are the only one who understands. Other people probably don’t understand you. You seem to be the only one that can see things as they really are
• ·        Finally you are completely alone as you have pushed everyone away and are unable to visit the places you used to because of them

Does this ring any bells? It is so easy to get caught up in the quagmire of negative emotions as you falsely begin to believe in your actions. You justify everything you do as ‘you have been wronged!’ This scenario could potentially continue for years and destroy your positive emotions or any positive outlook you have of life. Sooner or later you will start to think you are the only sane person in the world, completely detached from everyone else, because no one else understands or can see the ‘truth’

So how can we apply compassion to our lives when there seems to be so much against us?

If someone steals from us or harms us we should apply compassion and understanding to this situation immediately instead of continuing on a path of anger, revenge and resentment as two wrongs do not make a right. Love is by far a much greater force than hate and can overcome all negative actions and emotions. Even when somebody is violent or emotionally abusive towards us we must act with love. What we need to remember that more often than not the negative actions aimed toward us are not always because of us or directed at us personally. You could remind them of someone they dislike or they may be jealous or envious of you, they could be afraid of you living with peace in a world that seems so angry and negative towards them.

If we look at someone who points out our faults as a great teacher rather than someone who is trying to belittle us a whole new perspective is opened to us. And that really is all it is, perspective. Criticisms are often seen as personal attacks. Your ego feels destroyed and our natural reaction is to defend and re-energize our ego. Instead of this, we should put our ego aside and look at what is actually being said. We need to understand why the person has felt they need to make us aware of these issues and often the things that are said are likely to be things that need fixing.

 The list could be endless for reasons as to why people act in these ways and if we want to alleviate suffering we need to apply compassion and guide others toward the path of peace.

Compassion, ultimately, is to alleviate the suffering of all beings, everywhere, and if we dedicate ourselves to a life of love and compassion there is no room for a negative response to any actions acted toward us otherwise all we are doing is increasing the suffering. Being kind to others should not be based on whether they are or have been kind to us. Lead by example and show love and kindness to all, as the ones expressing their negative emotions are the ones who are probably in the greatest need for compassion, understanding and guidance.

So let’s flip the negative coin and deal with the scenario that you believe someone has acted negatively with a positive response

• ·        Forgive them. This requires minimal effort and little or no energy is wasted in thinking how to gain retribution
• ·        Do not allow yourself to become involved in that situation again. Become aware of your actions and learn from that experience. This ensures that you will not have to deal with the same situation again. If however, a similar situation occurs you will be more prepared to deal with it positively
• ·        No energy is then wasted on worrying about places to go or if you see this person again
• ·        The biggest thing to remember is any negative actions carried out towards you can only harm you if you allow it to. Otherwise the only person it harms is the person dealing with the negative emotions and actions

What a completely different result! Now, I am not saying that it is easy to immediately change how we react to things. When we have spent years of our lives being negative, the initial effort and energy used to change our train of thought is immense. However it is soon reclaimed and happiness will almost immediately overcome sadness. You just have to allow it.

~

This brings us on to the discussion of ‘Nature or Nurture’ Do we learn to be bad or are we just born that way?

It is obvious that nature deals us our genetic make-up such as the colour of our hair, eyes, skin, etc and even with certain ailments, illnesses and our susceptibility to cancer or other bodily differences, yet is this the case with our mind, the way we react to situations or experiences, what we like and don’t like. Can nature really decide whether we are compassionate or hateful beings? We begin to delve into the realm of the ego yet again when discussing our mind or who we are. I have mentioned before how the ego evolves through reflection. From how our parents respond to us as babies to how we are treated by our friends and colleagues. All of us create a reflected self that is created by reacting to external influences and until we recognize this process and halt it through our awareness of our feelings, of our self, it will continue to grow in this way. Until this point we find ourselves mirroring our peers to ‘fit in’ or please them, and as children, often we don’t understand why, we just do! As we mature and learn from experiences we start to create our own mind and our own personalities which you may feel is far removed from your parents or friends by the time you reach adulthood, yet are you really that different? Are you really that far removed from the people you have looked up to? This is a very difficult state of mind to take on board as everyone believes they are their own person. It is only when we look deeply into our actions and reactions to events and ask ourselves why we acted or reacted like that do we start to understand. Look back at past events and try to remember how your parents acted in similar situations or even how they act now. Are you that different? One of the hardest things we will ever do is letting go of our ego. It is, at the end of the day, all we know about ourselves, my ego is me! Or is it? The wonderful Vietnamese Buddhist, Thich Naht Han said ‘We are already who we want to be’. This is probably the most truthful thing that you can accept about yourself right now. Everything you have done in your life has led you to this point and made you who you are, and this has happened through your own choices of which paths to take. If you do not agree, look back at your life now and start to see the decisions you made to bring you here. No-one is responsible for your life but you. That is the greatest truth. When we have this realization we can move forward and choose more informed paths for us. To ultimately become the loving, compassionate, enlightened beings we are all capable of.

We must be careful however, to not fall into the trap of misunderstanding what compassion is as it can come in so many different forms. 

Again, let’s look at the definition;

Wikipedia’s definition of compassion is: -

“A human emotion prompted by the pain of others. When using in a sentence it is said compassionate. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism. In ethical terms, the various expressions down the ages of the so-called Golden Rule embody by implication the principle of compassion: Do to others what you would have them do to you.

Ranked a great virtue in numerous philosophies, compassion is considered in all the major religious traditions as among the greatest of virtues.”

This rule has even been applied through the application of physics. Newton’s Third Law of Motion says “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction” This also explains Karma in its simplest terms; “What you do to others is done back to you!”

We spoke about the peaceful stance that the Tibetan Buddhists have taken regarding the Chinese occupation of their country and how their compassionate approach has won them much support. In 2012 I was lucky enough to have attended a screening of a film called ‘The Road To Peace’ by Leon Stuparich. This film was a documentary to the life of HH The Dalai Lama and primarily was about the Universal Responsibility he engages in people to help move the world from the paranoid, aggressive environment we find, to a peaceful and ultimately compassionate one. Once I arrived I already had begun to feel a change in the immediate environment, yet once inside, the sense of peace, calmness, love and compassion that over flowed from the cinema was quite overwhelming. There we all were, like minded people, wanting to make a change in our lives, in other people’s lives and a change in the world. A friend of Mine, Nik Mackey, pointed out that the biggest insight he had received from the film was that laughter is incredible powerful and human, that the Dalai Lama is able to get across the point he is making in a non-aggressive yet incredibly powerful, heartfelt and compassionate way. I urge everyone to see this film, it is a must and it will shine the light of compassionate, real truth to help us continue developing and creating our lives lovingly and compassionately. http://www.roadtopeace.co.uk

Taking compassion a little further this time, compassion doesn’t always mean a passive approach is the right one. Take for example a naughty child. If, as a parent we do nothing as we think ‘Oh, it’s ok they are only young’, that child will then grow up not truly understanding or even knowing why some of their actions are negative. Being firm, telling off the child, punishing the child in some way, such as taking their favourite toy away, will show them that their actions and behaviour was not acceptable. So compassion is not always about standing back passively and allowing things to carry on, compassion can mean taking a firm stand as you know what works and what doesn't regarding your child’s behaviour. Compassion is something that we actively need to understand and use in our day to day lives. ‘But how do I know that I am acting compassionately?’ Everyone knows what works and what doesn't for their society. Nobody acts negatively without knowing or feeling that what they are doing is detrimental to them and their society, so being compassionate is easy. It is already there in the back of our minds, that little voice talking to you regularly. What we tend to do is ignore that voice and give in to doubt and retribution, anger, revenge and resentment, rather than accepting our instincts for doing what is right.

Since writing my first book I have found myself in situations where I have questioned my own abilities and especially my understanding of what it is to be compassionate. There have been times where I have been close to losing my temper and giving into the anger that I felt welling up inside me. I questioned my beliefs and even what I had written because of the feelings I almost lost control of

.

HH The Dalai Lama says this of anger “Like anyone else, I too have the potential for violence; I too have anger in me. However, I try to recall that anger is a destructive emotion. I remind myself that scientists now say that anger is bad for our health; it eats into our immune system. So, anger destroys our peace of mind and our physical health. We shouldn’t welcome it or think of it as natural or as a friend.”

These situations made me re-evaluate everything to the finest detail. If I felt this way, does all I have believed in make sense? This way of life can’t be working otherwise I wouldn’t feel this way! I scrutinized my beliefs, I fought with myself on what was right and wrong, I asked myself how have I brought these situations to my life if I was doing everything I had spoken about with good intention and awareness of actions. I realized that the external influences that were creating these situations weren’t beyond my control. They were brought on by fear and a lack of understanding from many different angles. Once I had this realization, my initial feelings of forgiveness, understanding and ultimately compassion were at the forefront of my being. So why did I have this wavering, this questionable experience when I talk about understanding our feelings, being aware of our egos? What we all must understand is that as soon as we remove one ego, another tries to take its place. I was in the firm belief that I was in control of my feelings, so much so, that when a situation arose that was way beyond my understanding, I carried on in the same way in the belief that I was acting in the best way I could, when actually the way I was presenting myself in that situation and others would have looked arrogant and aloof. Regardless of me believing I was acting out of compassion, what was really the case was quite the opposite. 

So am I free from ego now? My truthful answer to that now is no. I don’t think we will ever be free of an ego. All we will do is replace one with another. What we can be though, is in control of it, be aware of its being. Truly think about what you are doing in any situation, about how it makes you feel and what reactions you are getting from your actions. If it is anything but positive, then there is more you can do. If you believe that you are acting compassionately, yet still get an angry response then re-look at what it is you are doing and change your stance. The message or help you are giving can ultimately be the same, however, delivered in a different way that better suits the situation or the other person’s feelings will make a huge difference to the outcome. Once we have become compassionate beings we must continue to be open to change. What seems to be compassionate for one person won’t always suit another. And remember, the only thing in this universe that doesn’t change is everything changes! Remembering that helps us to adapt to the myriad of situations we find ourselves in with a changing sense of love and compassion that we can apply to all areas of our lives.

“Be the love you want”

Understanding Humility

“Humility is rare because to have it you have to want nothing, yet when you have it you get everything”

The thing about humility is it is often missed. It is noticed far more often when someone has a lack of it. It is so subtle in people that others don’t even realise it is there. And for those that say they are humble and full of humility, by that statement alone it proves they are not.

Real humility is missed because it doesn't stand on the roof tops shouting “look at me I am humble” and other times it is missed because it isn't there in the first place. However the main reason real humility is missed is because people have a misguided idea of what it actually is.

You do not need to make yourself the subject of humiliation to be humble or have humility. There is no need to belittle your actions or yourself to be humble either. The main point of humility is acceptance of self, doing without need or want of recompense or glorification and just being.

When someone does something good for others they do not belittle their actions or self, they merely accept that what they have done is obvious, needed and a logical course of action. Humility is shown by people that are often unseen in group successes, by people who act for others without thought of gratitude. A good example of someone with humility was Mother Theresa.

A great number of people believe humility is a way of gaining approval from their chosen deity, however if they act with humility for this reason, then there is no humility in their actions.

Humility, true humility can only come from our hearts, from our truths as a person. We must learn to love ourselves, to be happy and peaceful from within with all we do, without this our attempts of love, compassion and peace are meaningless as our actions are either directly or subliminally directed towards us in the hope we will make ourselves feel better, feel good and/or suppress our feelings about ourselves. Is this the act of humility? How CAN you love others if you have no love for yourself. Once we have learned to love ourselves we can then act everyday with the utmost compassion for other beings and share the love we have on tap whenever we choose to use it without any hidden meanings or self service. 

In other words, genuine humility is the ultimate expression of love!

We must be careful not to be fooled into trying to be humble. This leads our potential levels of humility into a false humility. Actions carried out with underlying motives only serve us in a negative way. Do we make less of what we do for bigger gain later for instance? The actions of two people can look completely humble however the motives for one can be completely different to the other. We see these types of actions in many companies around the world. When someone looks as if they sacrifice their position for the greater good but makes sure everyone knows about it. 

There is a huge difference between being and acting humble.

We should encourage others to have and act with humility and if we experience the gift of humility from another we should “pay it forward” to two or more people that need our help and so on. Soon the whole world will know humility and will have acted in a humble way via this model. So if we "practice what we preach," we can show others exactly what humility is.