In my first
book I started this chapter by going back to the beginning to start trying to
understand what is needed in trying to solve our global problems; moving from
‘being England’, being ‘America’, being ‘Africa’, etc. to being humans,
to being compassionate beings. I spoke about hate and the effect that it
has on us as individuals and how destructive it is to our spiritual well being
as well as our own health. To briefly remind us of what I said I have included
a passage from ‘Where Do We Begin’
‘To hate
something or someone generally shows a lack of understanding or confusion. Why
would someone kill another human being? ‘I hate that!’ Do you hate your
country’s army going to war and defending your freedom? Why do some people
think it is acceptable to kill another human in war? To kill one person means
you have murdered, to kill millions means you have conquered. Why have wars? To
me there is nothing good to say about war. It is a completely negative action
on both sides. When I was at school I was always taught that if someone hit me,
hitting back was not the answer. ‘Surely you can defend yourself?’ Of course
you can. No-one will stand to take someone hitting them without a natural
reaction to defend themselves. This doesn’t mean we must retaliate
aggressively; non-violent action has to be the best course. Judo, for example,
uses a redirection of force to defend. Why could this not be put into practice
on a larger scale?’
So as
individuals we find hating something or someone easy. Why? I think it is
because people believe it is easier to give in to negative, destructive
emotions than spending time working out why they feel that way or why others
have been, or are aggressive / negative towards them and they just accept that
that is the way it is. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. It actually
takes time, effort and energy to hate or dislike someone. Let us list out the things
needed to hate or actively dislike someone;
- · If someone has taken a negative action against you
then there must be some form of retribution available
- ·
You spend time continuing to think about this person
and the reasons behind why they have done what they have done, then you start
to think of how to fight back which takes huge amounts of energy
- ·
You are constantly aware of the areas this person or
people are found so either avoid them or taking it further purposely seek
confrontation which causes a buildup of negative energy within you draining any
positive, happy energy you might have had
- ·
You may spend time trying to ‘get one up’ on the
person you have the negativity with which will result in you feeling like you
have been wronged or hurt, especially if your plan doesn’t go as you wanted it
to (Which it more than likely won’t)
- ·
This then increases the negative energy within you
which causes you to start feeling unwell, drained or out of sorts which causes
you to start to become distant and unapproachable
- ·
This then adds to the negative feelings as you start
to feel lonely, as if you are the only one who understands. Other people
probably don’t understand you. You seem to be the only one that can see things
as they really are
- ·
Finally you are completely alone as you have pushed
everyone away and are unable to visit the places you used to because of them
Does this
ring any bells? It is so easy to get caught up in the quagmire of negative
emotions as you falsely begin to believe in your actions. You justify
everything you do as ‘you have been wronged!’ This scenario could potentially
continue for years and destroy your positive emotions or any positive outlook
you have of life. Sooner or later you will start to think you are the only sane
person in the world, completely detached from everyone else, because no one
else understands or can see the ‘truth’
So how can
we apply compassion to our lives when there seems to be so much against us?
If someone
steals from us or harms us we should apply compassion and understanding to this
situation immediately instead of continuing on a path of anger, revenge and
resentment as two wrongs do not make a right. Love is by far a much greater
force than hate and can overcome all negative actions and emotions. Even when
somebody is violent or emotionally abusive towards us we must act with love. What
we need to remember that more often than not the negative actions aimed toward
us are not always because of us or directed at us personally. You could remind
them of someone they dislike or they may be jealous or envious of you, they
could be afraid of you living with peace in a world that seems so angry and
negative towards them.
If we look
at someone who points out our faults as a great teacher rather than someone who
is trying to belittle us a whole new perspective is opened to us. And that
really is all it is, perspective. Criticisms are often seen as personal
attacks. Your ego feels destroyed and our natural reaction is to defend and re-energize
our ego. Instead of this, we should put our ego aside and look at what is
actually being said. We need to understand why the person has felt they need to
make us aware of these issues and often the things that are said are likely to
be things that need fixing.
The list could be endless for reasons as to
why people act in these ways and if we want to alleviate suffering we need to
apply compassion and guide others toward the path of peace.
Compassion,
ultimately, is to alleviate the suffering of all beings, everywhere, and if we
dedicate ourselves to a life of love and compassion there is no room for a
negative response to any actions acted toward us otherwise all we are doing is
increasing the suffering. Being kind to others should not be based on whether
they are or have been kind to us. Lead by example and show love and kindness to
all, as the ones expressing their negative emotions are the ones who are probably
in the greatest need for compassion, understanding and guidance.
So let’s
flip the negative coin and deal with the scenario that you believe someone has
acted negatively with a positive response
- ·
Forgive them. This requires minimal effort and little
or no energy is wasted in thinking how to gain retribution
- ·
Do not allow yourself to become involved in that
situation again. Become aware of your actions and learn from that experience.
This ensures that you will not have to deal with the same situation again. If
however, a similar situation occurs you will be more prepared to deal with it
positively
- ·
No energy is then wasted on worrying about places to
go or if you see this person again
- ·
The biggest thing to remember is any negative actions
carried out towards you can only harm you if you allow it to. Otherwise the
only person it harms is the person dealing with the negative emotions and
actions
What a
completely different result! Now, I am not saying that it is easy to
immediately change how we react to things. When we have spent years of our
lives being negative, the initial effort and energy used to change our train of
thought is immense. However it is soon reclaimed and happiness will almost
immediately overcome sadness. You just have to allow it.
~
This brings
us on to the discussion of ‘Nature or Nurture’ Do we learn to be bad or are we
just born that way?
It is
obvious that nature deals us our genetic make-up such as the colour of our
hair, eyes, skin, etc and even with certain ailments, illnesses and our
susceptibility to cancer or other bodily differences, yet is this the case with
our mind, the way we react to situations or experiences, what we like and don’t
like. Can nature really decide whether we are compassionate or hateful beings? We
begin to delve into the realm of the ego yet again when discussing our mind or
who we are. I have mentioned before how the ego evolves through reflection.
From how our parents respond to us as babies to how we are treated by our
friends and colleagues. All of us create a reflected self that is created by
reacting to external influences and until we recognize this process and halt it
through our awareness of our feelings, of our self, it will continue to grow in
this way. Until this point we find ourselves mirroring our peers to ‘fit in’ or
please them, and as children, often we don’t understand why, we just do! As we
mature and learn from experiences we start to create our own mind and our own
personalities which you may feel is far removed from your parents or friends by
the time you reach adulthood, yet are you really that different? Are you really
that far removed from the people you have looked up to? This is a very
difficult state of mind to take on board as everyone believes they are their
own person. It is only when we look deeply into our actions and reactions to
events and ask ourselves why we acted or reacted like that do we start to
understand. Look back at past events and try to remember how your parents acted
in similar situations or even how they act now. Are you that different? One of
the hardest things we will ever do is letting go of our ego. It is, at the end
of the day, all we know about ourselves, my ego is me! Or is it? The wonderful Vietnamese
Buddhist, Thich Naht Han said ‘We are already who we want to be’. This is
probably the most truthful thing that you can accept about yourself right now.
Everything you have done in your life has led you to this point and made you
who you are, and this has happened through your own choices of which paths to
take. If you do not agree, look back at your life now and start to see the decisions
you made to bring you here. No-one is responsible for your life but you. That
is the greatest truth. When we have this realization we can move forward and
choose more informed paths for us. To ultimately become the loving,
compassionate, enlightened beings we are all capable of.
We must be
careful however, to not fall into the trap of misunderstanding what compassion
is as it can come in so many different forms.
Again, let’s look at the
definition;
Wikipedia’s
definition of compassion is: -
“A human
emotion prompted by the pain of others. When using in a sentence it is said
compassionate. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to
an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not
inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as
altruism. In ethical terms, the various expressions down the ages of the
so-called Golden Rule embody by implication the principle of compassion: Do
to others what you would have them do to you.
Ranked a
great virtue in numerous philosophies, compassion is considered in all the
major religious traditions as among the greatest of virtues.”
This rule
has even been applied through the application of physics. Newton’s Third Law of
Motion says “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction” This
also explains Karma in its simplest terms; “What you do to others is done back
to you!”
We spoke
about the peaceful stance that the Tibetan Buddhists have taken regarding the
Chinese occupation of their country and how their compassionate approach has
won them much support. In 2012 I was lucky enough to have attended a screening
of a film called ‘The Road To Peace’ by Leon Stuparich. This film was a
documentary to the life of HH The Dalai Lama and primarily was about the
Universal Responsibility he engages in people to help move the world from the
paranoid, aggressive environment we find, to a peaceful and ultimately
compassionate one. Once I arrived I already had begun to feel a change in the
immediate environment, yet once inside, the sense of peace, calmness, love and
compassion that over flowed from the cinema was quite overwhelming. There we
all were, like minded people, wanting to make a change in our lives, in other
people’s lives and a change in the world. A friend of Mine, Nik Mackey, pointed
out that the biggest insight he had received from the film was that laughter is
incredible powerful and human, that the Dalai Lama is able to get across the
point he is making in a non-aggressive yet incredibly powerful, heartfelt and
compassionate way. I urge everyone to see this film, it is a must and it will
shine the light of compassionate, real truth to help us continue developing and
creating our lives lovingly and compassionately. http://www.roadtopeace.co.uk
Taking
compassion a little further this time, compassion doesn’t always mean a passive
approach is the right one. Take for example a naughty child. If, as a parent we
do nothing as we think ‘Oh, it’s ok they are only young’, that child will then
grow up not truly understanding or even knowing why some of their actions are
negative. Being firm, telling off the child, punishing the child in some way,
such as taking their favourite toy away, will show them that their
actions and behaviour was not acceptable. So compassion
is not always about standing back passively and allowing things to carry on,
compassion can mean taking a firm stand as you know what works and what doesn't regarding your child’s behaviour. Compassion is something that we
actively need to understand and use in our day to day lives. ‘But how do I know
that I am acting compassionately?’ Everyone knows what works and what doesn't for
their society. Nobody acts negatively without knowing or feeling that what they
are doing is detrimental to them and their society, so being compassionate is
easy. It is already there in the back of our minds, that little voice talking
to you regularly. What we tend to do is ignore that voice and give in to doubt
and retribution, anger, revenge and resentment, rather than accepting our
instincts for doing what is right.
Since
writing my first book I have found myself in situations where I have questioned my
own abilities and especially my understanding of what it is to be
compassionate. There have been times where I have been close to losing my
temper and giving into the anger that I felt welling up inside me. I questioned
my beliefs and even what I had written because of the feelings I almost lost
control of
.
HH The Dalai
Lama says this of anger “Like anyone else, I too have the potential for violence; I
too have anger in me. However, I try to recall that anger is a destructive
emotion. I remind myself that scientists now say that anger is bad for our
health; it eats into our immune system. So, anger destroys our peace of mind
and our physical health. We shouldn’t welcome it or think of it as natural or
as a friend.”
These
situations made me re-evaluate everything to the finest detail. If I felt this
way, does all I have believed in make sense? This way of life can’t be working
otherwise I wouldn’t feel this way! I scrutinized my beliefs, I fought with
myself on what was right and wrong, I asked myself how have I brought these
situations to my life if I was doing everything I had spoken about with good
intention and awareness of actions. I realized that the external influences
that were creating these situations weren’t beyond my control. They were
brought on by fear and a lack of understanding from many different angles. Once
I had this realization, my initial feelings of forgiveness, understanding and
ultimately compassion were at the forefront of my being. So why did I have this
wavering, this questionable experience when I talk about understanding our
feelings, being aware of our egos? What we all must understand is that as soon
as we remove one ego, another tries to take its place. I was in the firm belief
that I was in control of my feelings, so much so, that when a situation arose
that was way beyond my understanding, I carried on in the same way in the
belief that I was acting in the best way I could, when actually the way I was
presenting myself in that situation and others would have looked arrogant and aloof.
Regardless of me believing I was acting out of compassion, what was really the
case was quite the opposite.
So am I free from ego now? My truthful answer to
that now is no. I don’t think we will ever be free of an ego. All we will do is
replace one with another. What we can be though, is in control of it, be aware
of its being. Truly think about what you are doing in any situation, about how
it makes you feel and what reactions you are getting from your actions. If it
is anything but positive, then there is more you can do. If you believe that
you are acting compassionately, yet still get an angry response then re-look at
what it is you are doing and change your stance. The message or help you are
giving can ultimately be the same, however, delivered in a different way that
better suits the situation or the other person’s feelings will make a huge
difference to the outcome. Once we have become compassionate beings we must
continue to be open to change. What seems to be compassionate for one person
won’t always suit another. And remember, the only thing in this universe that
doesn’t change is everything changes! Remembering that helps us to adapt to the
myriad of situations we find ourselves in with a changing sense of love and
compassion that we can apply to all areas of our lives.
