Coping With Death

When I speak to people about terminal illnesses or death it is apparent to me that a loved one’s decline in health or the death of a loved one continues to be a subject that many find hard to discuss. Generally, throughout the UK, the older generation see death and the ceremonies surrounding death as a time of great sadness and loss, however this is beginning to change. Whilst the loss of a loved one is an emotional time and overwhelming sadness is our initial reaction, reflection of the life that person led should be at the forefront of our mourning. More and more of us are celebrating and affirming our memories of the person who has passed helping us to deal with our own mortality, sense of loss and overwhelming emptiness.

My belief system is centred on that of Tibetan Buddhism albeit slightly different from choices, lessons and conclusions I have reached through my own life experiences. I believe that we reach a natural point in our existence that requires us to move on or progress. Life itself is about learning and experiencing and whilst we are here we learn and experience exactly what we came here to, moving on once that is completed.

“How do we know what we are until we know what we are not”

I have spent many years of reflection on this subject and felt I needed to write down my thoughts and feelings to share what I believe is our natural progression from mortality to immortality.

“Once we pass, our soul rejoins the oneness, a universal energy”. I often try to explain this as:

Think of the ocean as the universal soul. Take a glass of ocean water; this is the soul of an individual. It is separate from the ocean but is still ocean water. Boil it, it experiences boiling, freeze it and it experiences freezing however it is still ocean water, the only difference is it has experienced different things. Now pour it back into the ocean and it rejoins the universal energy, the one soul, only now with experience.

“We are spiritual beings having a human experience”

Having this belief has helped me fill my life with love and compassion for all things. I look upon each one of us having our own experiences and the more we learn from these experiences, the more we develop spiritually throughout our human experience.

If we keep having the same experience, then clearly we are not attuned to the lesson we should be learning, and until we learn that lesson, we will keep having that experience. To help me learn from my daily experiences, I reflect on each day to take on board what has happened. Sometimes the lessons from our experiences don’t come apparent to us for sometime however being aware of every moment, of every action, learning becomes natural.

Whether your belief is that we are re-born to continue the yearning for experience or not, your growth as a person through wisdom, compassion, empathy and love can only continue through personal reflection.

Death of a loved one is of course a very difficult time for all those close, each one of us deals with our own sense of attachment and fear of losing the one we hold so dear, yet we must focus our attentions on the one who is dying. Dying should be made as calm as possible with our love and compassion focussed on helping the one who is dying do so with as little upset and heartache as we possibly can to allow the time of passing be as peaceful as possible.

For those of us dealing with the imminent loss it is difficult for anyone of us to let go. The Dalai Lama explains his approach to letting go of a loved one as such;

“Imagine you are on a boat and all of your closest family and friends are on the dock. The boat is pulling away and there is nothing you can do about it other than go with it. Now look back to the dock, how do you want to see your family and friends saying goodbye?”

It is never easy when faced with terminal illness or death of those we hold so close yet we find strength in our memories, in our stories and in our hearts that lives with us forever.

I will leave you with this, one of my favourite quotes that I always find myself referring back to on the passing of a loved one.

“When our hearts weep for what we have lost, our soul smiles for what we remember”

Much Love xx